Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Separation, A Divorce

Once upon a time, there was a princess waiting for her prince. And it all came downhill after that...

The fairy-tails that most of us were told as children are there to help us make our childhood years very happy and to give us a sense of hope. At least it is for little girls. I am not saying that fairy-tails cannot exist somewhere, or that those situations may never happen. I am saying that in today's world, these type of fairy-tails usually do not happen in reality. However, I do believe it is important to have that sense of hope. Faith.

Here is a written short fairy-tail that my friend Inés from Nicaragua wrote to me once in college (back in 1998). One of the first times in my life that reality hit:

Four months ago, my divorce was finalized, and though it was hard to go through emotionally, that was the best decision we could get to. After a good long trip to France/Switzerland/Mexican Caribbean, we came back home to where my husband at the time told me that he had a feeling that the trip we had was a dream and not reality. We went to two couple's therapy sessions, and the very next day, right after the second session, my now ex husband told me in a calm state that he did not love me anymore and that he wanted to get a divorce. I asked him to give me a few minutes. I went to our room, shut the door slowly, sat on the floor next to my side of the bed in a ball, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "I'm going to be able to go see my family in Argentina."
And I started crying.
I let it all out of my heart and my mind: the hurtful situations, the bitterness and ugliness that I received many times in silence, the fear, my own ugly comebacks, the break-ups and then the separations (yes, plural in each stage), every negative thing was let out at that very moment.
A few minutes later, I came back to the study room and told my then husband that I accepted the divorce. We had a very peaceful, according, and calm divorce. The fact that we had no children made it easier.

I kept going to therapy because I wanted to be able to get my light back, my self being, my sense of self, and I believe I myself needed help to go through this emotionally smoother. I did not want this situation to make me feel worse. I wanted this experience to learn from it.
During our final separation (under the same roof we were in separate rooms), I did not understand why he one day came home from work and very angrily sat down and told me, "I don't know what is wrong with you! I cannot be like you and get over everything just like that! I am still trying to get over this! I am still trying to get over you!"
I just stared at him in unbelief for a few seconds, and then he said, still with angry eyes, "I mean I know we can't fix this, and I don't want to! But it's as if you can just switch your emotions and I cannot do that!"
I did not understand it because about a month prior he had told me he did not love me anymore. I did understand that going through a divorce, again for him, his second time (first time for me), was hard, however, what he said did not make sense to me. So I calmly became my old self again, trying to figure out what I would do in the other person's position. And I said, "Well, I am not completely alright, but I am working at being happier and going to therapy for it. Maybe that is what you need to do so that you don't feel the way you are feeling right now."
He immediately snapped back saying, "Well I went once, and she [the therapist] told me that I don't need to go anymore! That I was ok!"
So again, calmly, with my old self, and truly from my heart, I said, "A therapist will not tell you if you should or should not go. A therapist will tell you that you should go if you feel like going. So go if you feel like it, or don't go if you feel alright. But by the looks of it, it sounds like it might do you good." Then I slowly got up from the kitchen table, and went upstairs to leave him with his own thoughts.

I realized at that moment that I was glad and relieved that I was not going to have to deal with someone who did not want to fight with me for our relationship, that I did not have to deal with his mood swings anymore. I felt that my inner light was able to come out again. That working a little with myself I will have it back to be able to be what God wanted all this time. And I admit that He wanted me to go through this as an experience.

How someone can break their promise, how someone can break their commitment, I did not understand. It is still hard for me to understand this. However, I am glad that my ex told me what he did. He made me realize that he was not the person I wanted to grow with. I never broke the commitment I had made, but he helped me to break it by taking that step for me. I need a good leader who will lead our family in this world. I truly believe that I will be with someone who, like myself, believes in commitment, in not breaking promises, who believes in love (as an action), who together we can be able to feed our passion as the years go by; where we can both fight together for every situation; where we can give each other our own space; where we both have the same morals and values; where we can grow and build in a positive light together as a family as the years go by. Where we both together have that sense of hope, faith. And by His grace, I believe this will happen.

Have a wonderful and positive day! You are the one that makes it positive. Go for it! :)

Some random thoughts by my good friend Elizabeth Telford that I would like to share. She gave this to me after reading the blog:

"Okay, here are my random thoughts:

I had two verses come to mind: Eph. 4:31-2, Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

I thought of this as you were describing the moment he told you he wanted a divorce. The reaction you had wasn't what most people would expect, but, you have been molded over the years to have this response. Not just through this relationship, but with all of the other things going on in your life over the past few years. It shows a lot of maturity. Also, I think it's amazing that God put your future on your mind at that moment.

Also, James 1:2-4, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."


  1. Hey Laly! First of all thanks for sharing this with me, I appreciate it. I will elaborate more on my comment, promise! Have a wonderful day!

    1. Yo creo que todo sucede por una razón en nuestras vidas. Y sinceramente aplaudo tu actitud de desprendimiento ante una separación. Una relación (llámese noviazgo, matrimonio) es una vía de dos sentidos y el balance debe mantenerse entre los esfuerzos comunes para sacar adelante la relación. Altibajos siempre van a existir pero el común denominador es la disposición común de salir avante de ellos. Abrazo y que Dios te conceda lo que has declarado que buscas en tu vida :D

  2. Hey Laly! God is going to give you someone who is going to love through it all. I am glad you found your inner light. Take great care of yourself. XOXO!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Thank you Phenomenal Woman! Take care! xoxo

  4. What an excellent way to share the strength such a change can give you! Personal insight is the first step to creating a meaningful life, and you are definitely taking all the emotional charge and transforming it into a powerful energy source that will allow you to focus on you first, and others second. This is definitely an inspiring story! Keep up the personal growth and sharing its positive effects with others. Thanks for sharing your story!

  5. Dear Laly, your story is truly inspiring because it touches lives of so many women who went through the similar experience and helps them find the strength within themselves to start living again. You said that the first thing that came to your mind when you sat on the floor curled in a ball was: “I’ am going to be able to go see my family in Argentina.” This fact alone tells so much about what an amazing and reasonable person you are. Even in this emotionally intense moment you thought of the most fundamental and important value in life - family. Of course you felt angry, and bitter, and miserable, but you did not let those feelings break you. On the contrary, you became a much stronger woman, independent, exiting, well-rounded. You became a woman a man needs, and stopped being a woman who need a man.
    Now the challenge is not to be too strong that person who may love you breaks trying to hit the wall you may have surrounded yourself with. You are very open, outgoing, friendly, social, but the wall to watch out for is the one even you cannot see. You are looking for a good man to share your life with and I bet you have a very vivid image of such a man. And THIS is the wall. I came to a realization that a woman can fall in love with someone who does not adhere to her “standards” even to a slightest bit. The strong man who deserves you WILL have his own standards and life principles. If they are not 100% what you imagined, you may want to consider a compromise, but only if you are both aware of it and respect and appreciate it. Love changes people. Love is an action, as you have put it. To continue, I would say that True Love is an action with a strong feedback mechanism that requires fine-tuning. I wish you find your happiness. Love you, my dear friend.



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